Almost two decades ago Phil and Barb Schroeder received a note from their teenage child. As they read, they realized it was a “coming out” letter, informing them that their child was gay. Phil looked at his wife and wondered … so what else is new?
Call it a dad’s intuition, Phil had known his child—who is now a transgender woman— was probably LGBTQ+, but was glad she finally felt confident enough to be herself and talk to family openly about it.
Phil admitted that when his child came out, as a parent, he was overcome with worry for her welfare.
At the time, Phil worked as the dean of students at St. Cloud Technical and Community College. As such, he was aware of the challenges facing LGBTQ youth.
“So you’re LGBTQ? That isn’t a big deal. But the worry? … This is the sad part of it all … All I saw was a gigantic target on her back. I knew what she was going to face.”
Finding Support
The Schroeders reached out for help and found it with the nation’s largest family and LGBTQ ally group: Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. PFLAG first formed in New York in 1973 and today is a nation-wide organization dedicated to providing support for LGBTQ persons, their families and friends.
The Schroeders live in Ogilvie, and through PFLAG found another Ogilvie couple who also had an LGBTQ child. Together, they were able to discuss the challenges kids faced in a small town and found support.
In July 2008, the Schroeders, two other couples, three gay men and two allies met to form the East Central Minnesota PFLAG chapter.
Today, their membership includes approximately 12-20 people who live in the Chisago, Kanabec, Isanti, Pine and Mille Lacs county area.
East Central PFLAG members actively provide education, workshops, movie screenings, guest speakers, support groups and participate in Pride events.
Phil said many families can be taken off guard by their child’s coming out and initially have skewed perceptions of the LGBTQ community.
“The general public seems to jump to LGBTQ people as ‘it’s all about sex.’ The people I know who are LGBTQ are just people who live in your town and you would never know it. They’re just people.”
PFLAG members use their time together to fight misunderstandings and help others navigate common struggles, like mixed-acceptance families, acceptance within religious communities and the more painful realities of denial and disownment.
PFLAG also educates others on how to be an ally, for which Phil has one tip: “Just be accepting, supporting and listen; kids need to know that the adults in their lives have their backs. That’s as simple as it is.”
Part of acceptance is for parents to have their own “coming out” and being honest with others about their LGBTQ children.
“You find more support than you think,” said Phil. “We’ve not lost anything by coming out and being proud of who we are and who our kids are.”
The Schroeder family was lucky. Extended family and friends were accepting of their child’s orientation; for many families that isn’t the case.
“It’s not a real pretty picture sometimes,” said Phil, recounting some youth who, after coming out to parents, were kicked out of homes and out of families. For some of these kids, the Schroeder’s home became a refuge where they could find safety and acceptance
“Kids sometimes wander lost in the wilderness until they find an ally, or someone who will support them,” said Phil. “They realize maybe then they have found a safe space.”
An ongoing journey
Phil and Barb continue to be active members of PFLAG, working to raise awareness and advocate for LGBTQ persons in the community.
“Our members understand the coming out journey. We offer our support and unconditional love to people, especially youth and their families, at any point in this journey,” said Phil. “It’s all a little different, it’s all a journey and people climb aboard at different points.”
Of their journey, Phil said if there was one thing he could change, it wouldn’t be his child — but how the world perceives them.
Learn More
Those interested in learning more about or joining East Central PFLAG can contact visit www.ecmnpflag.org or send them a message via East Central Minnesota’s PFLAG Facebook page @ecmnpflag.
East Central PFLAG meets at 2 p.m. the second Sunday of each month (except in summer) at the Braham Community Center. Their next meeting is Aug. 8, 2021.
