Model Chiderah Sunny, 25, is straight, while her wife, writer Deidre Olsen, 30, is gay.
They don’t have sex and are free to date other people. The couple say they are soulmates who want to challenge the notion that true love is only for romantic partners.
Here, they tell their story to inspire others…
Chiderah says:
I’m a morning person, up at 5am, Deidre is not. I’ll bounce in wanting to discuss something. She’ll be like, “Leave me!” Being married to your soulmate doesn’t mean you don’t argue. But two minutes later it’s, “I’m sorry, I love you.” With romantic partners, arguments can drag on for weeks.
We share a bank account but not a bedroom. We have never had sex and never will, that is not what our relationship is about.
We share all the chores. We take it in turns to cook and clean, and walk the dogs together. We split everything 50:50 – we are a partnership.
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With Deidre, I don’t have to pretend to be someone I’m not, because there’s no romantic issue at stake. It’s purely caregiving, purely love. She held my hand through my endometriosis procedures. Love is not about sex. Love is about who is there for you in sickness and in health, for better for worse, for richer for poorer.
Deidre is better at organising all our life admin. But I’m bolder and will be the one dealing with landlords and things. We let each other shine at what we do best. There’s no competing to be in charge.
We date other people romantically – but it doesn’t interfere with our marriage. I think it helps it. For instance, I was deeply in love a couple months ago. Men are simple beings, quite exhausting and not emotionally intelligent. I couldn’t offload and share with him, about my health issues or the racism I often face, in the way I could with my wife. Men don’t want to take that on.
But that depth is what Deidre and I have. I adore her. Focusing on sex is the pitfall. Instead, we’ve built a deep emotional and mental connection.
Deidre and I met on dating app Hinge in February 2019. I was exploring my sexuality and asked her out. I realised I’m not gay but we had this incredible connection. We’re like-minded and I love our laughter-filled conversations. Sometimes, as a black woman, it’s very hard talking about my experience. With Deidre, I feel seen and heard.
During the lockdown, we took four-hour daily walks, it was exciting planning our lives.
We moved to Berlin from Toronto last August. Both of us had just broken up with partners. I felt so bleak. I broke down in front of Deidre – I’ve never done that before with anyone. The way she held me and soothed me, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her.
A few weeks later, I proposed. She said, “Are you for real?” I was like, “Yeah, I’m serious. Will you marry me?” It felt so right.
We want children together. Having two people who love each other and can offer joy and happiness is what a child needs. I come from a nuclear family, my parents were together 30 years and I was f***ed up by that dynamic. The relationship didn’t benefit my mother, it left her exhausted as she did everything at home. Women end up raising men as well as children.
We have two dogs. Our friends watch them when we work – we have an extended community and family. So that’s how we might raise our children.
Our parents know we’ve always been independent and free-spirited. So us marrying wasn’t a surprise. They’re cool.
I never wanted to marry before. But I see my future with Deidre, with our dogs, co-parenting – knowing that I don’t have to do life alone.
If we spend too much time with our romantic partners, we get irritated and run back to each other. Deidre’s current partner is lovely. I can go and talk to her or she’ll come in and help me pick an outfit.
We can help gauge who is right for each other and who is not, romantically. I haven’t had a partner since Deidre and I got married. My last boyfriend knew we were engaged and was supportive – slightly indifferent, almost. Men aren’t put off at all.
I hope our story gives others the courage to choose the people they want to be with – not out of societal pressure but real love.
Deidre says:
We are soulmates. I definitely thought Chiderah was cute when we first met on the dating app, because she’s beautiful and I’m gay.
We had a great date together in a cool bar and I was excited about our chemistry. But she let me know pretty soon after we met face-to-face that she likes men.
And once it’s settled as platonic, I don’t push it. I don’t go on dates expecting romance, I’m open to friendship.
Being wives shows our commitment. And marriage gives us legal rights when it comes to things such as finances and hospital visits.
I’m more passive. Chiderah has the charm. I’m messy, laid-back, and leave the dishes overnight. Chiderah cleans up straightaway. But that’s the only domestic incompatibility for us.
We spend around 85% of our time together and socialise together in a close group of open and queer friends. Magic happens when we’re together. Within two weeks of moving here, Chiderah got signed to her dream agency and I won a grant to write a memoir.
Both of us have suffered mental illness, so we understand each other. I couldn’t get out of bed after a heartbreak once. Chiderah cooked, cleaned and nursed me back to health. That caring and empathy is amazing.
After realising she was serious when she proposed, I said, “Absolutely, I can think of nothing better in the world.”
Our wedding was two weeks later, on 25 February this year, in our tiny flat. We had three friends come, one of whom officiated.
I wore a white blazer dress and Chiderah wore a white jumpsuit.
It was winter, during lockdown, and we made do with homemade cheesecake, Polaroid pictures and balloons on the walls. It was makeshift yet beautiful.
We exchanged rings. Our vows came from the heart. We told each other, “You are the person I want to build a life with, the person who brings me joy.”
Neither of our families have met because they live 4,000km apart. Mine are in Toronto and Chiderah’s are in Vancouver. But we chatted to each other’s parents over the phone. My family are supportive but don’t really get it. Dad said, “Oh, it’s one of those Deidre things again!”
We talk about babies and ways to alternatively co-parent – maybe with a male gay couple, for example. There’s room for multiple kinds of love in my life. That won’t erode my marriage.
I’m currently seeing another woman romantically. She’s not jealous, it’s not a contest. Chiderah and her get along well. Berlin is such an open, sexually liberated city, where polyamorous and bisexual people are common. If we lived elsewhere, it might be different.
If one of us got serious with someone else, our dynamic would evolve. But we would never live with anyone else in our home. We’re each other’s number one.
I get asked if, being gay, I might fall for Chiderah romantically. Absolutely not.
I don’t harbour romantic love for someone I know is straight.
The pandemic has shown me the importance of human connection. We’re creating a life on our own terms, surrounded by love. It’s the most freeing and uplifting thing I can think of.
